That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
