Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
