I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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