Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
