I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
