I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
