maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
