I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
