my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
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