Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
