I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
