I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
