Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
