She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
