I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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