i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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