The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
