I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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