The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
