The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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