just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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