Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
