2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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