I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
