Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
