I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
