I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My penis needs a shock collar
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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