I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
