I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
