You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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