Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Randomize
