you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
