Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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