He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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