How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
