In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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