Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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