i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
