i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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