i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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