he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
