I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
