So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
