So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize