Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
