Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
