I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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