At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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