I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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