I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
