Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
