I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
