I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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