I CAN MOONWALK!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
