I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
