if i died would you start the facebook group?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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