It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
