The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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