Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize