ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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