You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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